As the leadership team at Moms with Swords, Joy challenged us to begin listening to the Andy Stanley Leadership podcasts. These podcasts are short interviews and discussions designed to help leaders go further, faster. One of the very first podcasts I listened to was titled “The Questions Great Leaders Ask” – exploring a question that every leader should ask. I began listening with the intention that I would gain some insight into how to become better at my role at MWS, Director of Ministry Connections, but what I took away from that fifteen minutes transformed the way I communicate with my children and my husband.
Family dinner has always been an important time in my life. I grew up eating dinner with my family and having discussions with my parents and brother at the table. In fact, a 2011 research study from Cornell University, notes that “the routine of family meals generate feelings of closeness and comfort. They are one of the most common times children communicate with their parents and provide a unique context for parents to share important information with their children.”
Like most families, my husband, children, and I sat around the dinner table at night and discussed our day. My husband and I asked our children typical questions like, “how was your day?” and “what are you learning in school?” We got the typical answers of “good” and “nothing”, which we prodded further until we finally got an answer that satisfied our curiosity.
The Stanley leadership podcast, “The Questions Great Leaders Ask”, stated the questions we ask do three things: reveal values, reinforce values, and reinforce behaviors. It reveals and reinforces what’s most important to you. For instance, when I ask my children if they have cleaned their room, I am letting them know that I value a clean room. I am also reinforcing the behavior that they need to keep their room clean. When I ask them if they’ve brushed their teeth, I am letting them know that I value good dental hygiene. I am also reinforcing the behavior that they need to practice good teeth brushing habits.
At the dinner table, the question of “how was your day?” was too general and did not reveal or reinforce any value. To be honest, this question was small-talk that we typically engage in with most strangers. Strangers. Not my children whom I love immensely.
In conversations with my children, I want to reveal my values and reinforce behaviors. The responsibility I have as a mom is to “train up a child in the way he should go” (Proverbs 22:6). It is not only a God-given responsibility, but an opportunity to share my own experiences, teach my children and pass on my faith to the next generation. I wanted the questions I asked my children to lead us into discussion where Christ is the focus and what He values is reinforced.
As I searched for ways to engage my family in great questions, I found that there are a myriad of resources. One of those resources is called the ‘key jar’. I took a tin can and cut strips of paper with a variety of questions – one question on each strip of paper. One end of the paper strip has a picture of a key and the other end has a picture of a heart-shaped lock that is open. This is a symbolic representation of the questions which are the keys that unlocks your child’s heart. At each meal we choose one question to answer as a family. Every member of the family is required to answer the question.
One night during dinner, the question was asked, “Who do you know that needs a friend?”. My twin kindergartners answered with the name of a friend who has ‘time-out’ often in class. It led us into a discussion about treating others the way Jesus would treat them- with “kindness and compassion, forgiving each other, just as Christ forgave you” (Eph 4:32). Then my oldest son, a second grader, spoke up to share. He told us that while he was playing superheroes with a group of friends on the playground that day, he noticed a boy in his class who was all alone. My son then shared that he stopped, went over to the boy, and invited him to play super heroes with the group. At conferences the following week, my son’s teacher confirmed that he always includes others.
With tears of gratitude streaming down my cheeks for the compassion God created in my son, I fully understood the powerful nature of asking great questions; questions that reveal our values and reinforce behaviors. Without asking questions, we may have never known about my son’s compassion on the playground or have been able to reinforce this biblical teaching with our twins.
Deuteronomy 6:6 tells us, “these commandments that I give you today are to be on your hearts. Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up.” I am grateful for the gift of unlocking my children’s hearts through questions that lead into discussions where Christ is the focus and what He values is reinforced.
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