My love for running began in middle school. It was a necessity as part of my participation on the soccer team, but secretly I enjoyed the 4 warm up laps we had to do in preparation for our sport more than I did the actual sport. I continued chasing after that soccer ball until high school when I found what I thought was the greatest team ever…a group of girls that ran together because they all liked it too, and not just because someone or something was chasing them (aside from a rogue peacock I encountered on a run one time, totally serious!).
The competition wasn’t my favorite part of cross-country running, but I figured I had to take the good with the bad and it was worth it to me. I remember how I felt before a race like it was yesterday, the anxiety, the nausea. I was well prepared to run a great race; My legs, my lungs, every part of my body was ready…except for my mind. I was intimidated by the course, the competition, that I had cereal for breakfast instead of my tried and true blueberry bagel with nothing on it. Would there be hills? how fast did I need to run so that our team could place well? Worry, worry, worry…but most of all I knew how much it was going to hurt. I was all too familiar with not being able to breathe for 2 miles, that my legs were going to burn like someone was lighting them on fire from the inside, that my head was going to pound like crazy, and wanting to finish even faster but not being able to push any harder than I was. I knew too much, and it scared me every.single.time.
There was a particular race that was the worst one of all though and it was the 2 mile beach run, Daytona Beach to be exact. It wasn’t the sand…no, that was packed pretty well between the moisture from the sea and the constant stream of vacationers driving along the shore. It wasn’t the weather, yes it was hot and humid but that was my life growing up in Florida. As I stood there doing random stretches and shaking out my legs like that was going to somehow rid me of all my nervous energy and watching a few hundred other pony tail wearing, running addicts do the same, I realized what the problem was. I could see it and it was too much for me. The boardwalk…the coveted finish line 2 miles ahead dotted with spectators anticipating how their loved one would perform. There were no obstructions to cloud my view of what was to come, no turns to wind about to distract me from where I was headed. I could see the whole thing…from beginning to end, all of it. The whole time, bobbing heads, sand being tossed in all directions by speedy racing flats…there it was, the finish line in plain sight.
I think it’s overrated…knowing it all, seeing what the future holds like Ebenezer and the ghost of Christmas future. No more worrying about what’s going to happen, just knowing it all turns out OK. Except…that sometimes it doesn’t and if I see it now, then what? Because knowing means making different decisions than I have already made. Because knowing drastically alters the way God intended for me to live this life. If you know it all, like only He does…there is no need to trust, to have faith, to live in His moments of grace enjoying them for what they are, right here, right now.
And I ask myself this question, would I have had children at all if I had known some of the heartache we have experienced? And there are more questions…would I nip and tuck certain experiences carefully crafting the picture perfect little life with no hardship. Would I allow anything but smooth travels, an easy race with the wind always at my back and a slight downhill propelling me forward with ease…certainly not. Because knowing the trials ahead of time when God hasn’t yet prepared me for them is too much for me to shoulder.
And so it is like this…we worry about things, situations that may never come to be, or they might…but either way, in those moments of worry we force our bodies, our minds, our hearts to experience something we are not ready for…like looking at the boardwalk from 2 miles away and knowing every inch of pain that path is going to cause. I think worry is normal, it’s our way of wanting to prepare ourselves for what might happen because we don’t like surprises, especially when they seem undesirable, right? We can rehearse a scenario and even how we will respond and so it feels like worry allows us some control in that way…only it’s false, it’s a lie. Worry doesn’t prepare us at all…because if God hasn’t brought that particular situation to us, then we aren’t ready yet, and the response we have crafted in our minds is not the one God has planned. And that’s not accounting for the fact that what we often create in our minds hardly ever comes to be, right?
Philippians 4:6 – New International Version (NIV)
6 Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.
It took 21 years for God to prepare me to be a wife, 28 years for God to prepare me for our firstborn Ethan, and then another 3 for Emily, and another 2 for Chase, and still another 3 more for Whitney. And I will tell you, I have needed every bit of that journey, every moment. If I am truly honest and I know my future before I am ready, I don’t choose Down Syndrome, I don’t choose cancer, I don’t choose epilepsy or some of the other crazy challenges that have been tossed at us along the way. Who would choose them? You know, those things you never thought would happen to you and then they do. And then God shows up like never before in your life, and you decide…well, I wouldn’t trade that for anything and I choose those hardships every time if it means God is carefully molding me and completing the work he has started in me. Because I am ready, He is there, He has gone before me and prepared me and knows it all and when I am ready…he lets me know too, and that worry is replaced by an overwhelming feeling of peace and joy despite the current circumstance.
Isaiah 41:10 – New International Version (NIV)
10 So do not fear, for I am with you;
do not be dismayed, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you and help you;
I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.
So…it’s your turn, what’s your 2 mile race? What are you worried about? What will you not trust God for right now? For me, there’s always something…but I am encouraged, I am a work in progress. God has done some amazing things in my life and brought me through a multitude of 2 miles races…will I not trust him with the next even though He has proven himself to be so good and so merciful every.single.time?
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